How to raise kids that aren’t selfish
January 22, 2024
In Episode 92, Kyle and Sara, LPC’s discuss issues that come from raising kids that are either selfish or selfless. We need to help our kids know who they are and advocate for their needs, while also teaching them that the world doesn’t revolve around them. We share 3 specific steps we take to try and thread this needle with our own children.
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Episode 92 Transcript:
Hello, and welcome to Episode 92 of The Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle.
As a parent, we all wanna raise kids that are thoughtful and considerate and really think about the needs of others. And so many times we get triggered when our kids are selfish because, man, we don't wanna raise kids that are narcissistic and entitled and spoiled. But can that really cause problems in our kids' lives later on where they don't trust themselves, where they don't know what they want? In this episode, Sara and I really dive into this idea of raising selfish kids and how that's a problem in our society, right? But also how we can help fight for our kids to know what they want and to be passionate about what they wanna do in this life and how we can reframe it to where they know who they are, they know what they want and know how to get it. So we're gonna give three specific ways to help you change that conversation in this podcast to where you can raise kids that are not selfish nor selfless, but kids who know who they are and know how to show up in this world.
Welcome to The Art of Raising Humans. Hello, and welcome to episode 92 of The Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle and I'm Sara. Man, I wish you could have been here for the spirited debate before we started this podcast because it is on a topic that we both are passionate about. And I think it's an important one, Sara, because in the practice, where I'm getting to see a lot of teenagers and help a lot of kids going into college and stuff, I'm finding this real struggle with this word selfish. Yeah. You know?
We just struggled with that word a little bit. So we want to take a moment in this podcast to really dive into that word, being selfish, right? How it's defined and how lots of times in our parenting, we're raising kids that think they're selfish, you know? That think being selfish is bad or wrong and what they define as what being selfish is, right? And that it's causing a lot of confusion in kids to really know what they want to do with their lives. You know, almost, I'd say, Sara, a lot of the anxiety I see in kids is them really scared or uncertain about what the next step's going to be, like what they should be doing or how to manage their desires in life, right? Because too many times when they think about what they want in life, think about what they want to do in a lot of simple ways and big ways, they've been judged as selfish, right?
I think a lot of parents hold that judgment on themselves too. If a mom wants to take a nap or go do some self-care, they also maybe have something running through their brains that says, well, that's selfish. I shouldn't do that. Or if a dad wants to, I don't know, go watch a football game or something, you know. I should, I mean, I think there's a lot of, I should be doing something else.
Yeah, this is selfish. I should be taking care of that. This is selfish. Yeah, and so what I've noticed with the kids that I'm watching, the way this kind of, I'll give an example. You know, I have a kid that comes to me, kid is, you know, in high school, kid's working a lot, actually, you know, making money, doing stuff, wants to, I mean, like really ambitious kid, you know, but actually working too much. You know, the kid's doing school, wants us to see the school, the kid's, and the kid is just anxious and just overwhelmed. I mean, really stressed, you know, having a hard time sleeping.
And so the parent will call me up and say, hey, could you see my kid? Could you help my teenager be able to get a better balance here, you know?
So I'll talk to the kid, I'll work with the kid. And one of the things we'll try to implement is take a day off, like just rest. And then the next session, when I see that kid, I'll ask him how that went. And he's like, man, it's confusing because like I took that day off and that whole day, my parents were upset at me for being so lazy. And I told them, Kyle told me to take a day off and rest. And the whole day they're like, well, that doesn't mean you don't have to do anything around the house. So they're like, you need to have this done and this done and this done and this done.
And he's like, it's a confusing message. Like on one hand, I feel like I was trying to do other stuff but they told me I was doing too much of it. I needed to step back, go see Kyle. Then you tell me to take a day of rest. And it's like, now I'm being selfish.
I'm being lazy. I'm being, you know, it's really confusing to a kid to know what is the correct path.
Right, right, that is. And when I explored this with a lot of kids, Sara, it seems like it goes all the way back to when they're like two or three years old, right? Because for me in the development, for every parent who's got kids around two or three, that's why they call them the terrible twos, you know, is all of a sudden this kid starts to have their own desires, their own things that they want to accomplish. Right, at that age, they're really starting to separate and go, whoa, I'm not part of you. And they get really curious and they start, yeah, their agenda changes. They have their own agenda and they really want that agenda sometimes.
Yeah, sometimes they don't want to stop playing their story. Sometimes they don't want to eat that food that you offered them, which can be really annoying, right? They want to run down the street. They want to go up and down the stairs 50,000 times, right? So there's this way around two where they start understanding they are not you and there's this thing called differentiation. They start to differentiate themselves from you, which means that the things that they want may not coincide with the things you want, right?
And that causes a lot of conflict. You know, and so a lot of times in parenting, you know, and parents just kind of respond this way because all of a sudden it's kind of, you know, this conflict of me against you starts to happen. We start to end up creating a lot of like, win-lose scenarios, you know? I mean, in the parents' mind, they think they're doing it for the benefit of the kid, but in the kids' mind, they start to think, well, maybe what I want isn't as important or maybe what I want is selfish or bad, right?
So let's take a moment and really dive down on that word. Like, you had a real problem when I was saying, I think it's okay for kids to be selfish. So tell me what you were saying about the word selfish. Well, I would say my widely held belief is that selfish means it is, I'm gonna act in my interest, not only in a way that doesn't support or hold your interest, but in a way that actually may even be detrimental to you. Yeah, it may cause harm to you for the benefit of me. I'm gonna be all about, I'm gonna be all about me and I don't care about the consequences on you. Yeah, and so I think when you hear the word selfish, that's what you hear, right? And I think even when you look at- Well, I feel like even when I hear people talking and using the word selfish, that's sort of what they're talking about. They're like, this kid just wants it all to be about them and whatever they want, and they don't consider the impact on the family and other things going on.
Yeah, and so what would selfless look like? How would you define that? That is, I'm laying down everything that I want or need, even if it's in the moment or all the time, I'm laying me down to do your agenda or what is in your best interest or to help you. Yeah, and so do you think in most families that is the higher thing? We'd rather our kid be selfless than selfish? Yes. Okay, so a lot of- I would think, oh, wow, people are praised for being selfless, and selfish is not a compliment.
Exactly, yeah, yes. Definitely. And a lot of times what you see is the kid who is quote-unquote selfless is the kid that just goes along, right?
That they don't really cause a problem. Typically, and I do see those kids at the practice as well, kids who don't know what they want because they've never really tried to think about that. They're always just saying, I'll do whatever my parents want or what my siblings want. Yeah, yeah. So I'm sure- Even like that kid will stay and clean up the chairs in the room or they'll give up their seat. Oh, you can sit here, I'll move, and yeah, they're in little ways and in big ways, they're giving up whatever would prefer them, they prefer the other. And then there's the other kid who the parent may see as selfish, who's always making their needs the priority, right? If it's not their way, then they're gonna cause a big wreck, a lot of havoc, a lot of chaos. And very little kids, two and three-year-olds, they're such a great way of seeing that because they kind of are. They're very present focused and they're very me focused.
It's all they know. So it is, I want food now, or I want this toy right now, so I'm gonna smack you and take it, right? They very much have come alive to the idea of what they want and what they need and they just go for it. Yeah, and so when I was writing up this podcast and thinking about how helpful it could be to parents, because I think it's a huge deal, it's a huge deal in our society because you do see a lot of narcissism, a lot of parents feel like their kids feel very entitled, right? You see on social media, kids doing very selfish things, right?
And none of us, none of us want our kids doing that. None of us want our kids completely just my way or the highway, win, lose, it doesn't matter.
I'm just gonna do me, right? Not even aware of or thinking about the other because everything I do does impact the other, the family, whoever I'm around, it does impact and no awareness of that or care about it. And I even think a lot of parents are afraid, parents who are listening here, parents who are doing a more kind of approach that's not based in fear and control and more of a way that's empathetic, like kind of more of a peaceful parenting or a gentle parenting, when they hear these kinds of terms. Positive parenting. Positive parenting. There's lots of words for it. People think you're just raising entitled, selfish kids, right? Right. A lot of times they're kids that just demand their own way.
Right, it can have that judgment on it. People will look at it and go, oh yeah, your kids are terrible. Exactly, so you felt it was very important to make sure we define what we mean, right? If I use the word selfish, what I'm saying by that, it isn't a win-lose, right? Yeah. Really, when I'm using the word, Sara, I'm thinking about how lots of times if I say that word at all to a kid I'm helping, like say, hey, what is it you wanna do in this situation? Have you thought about what you want, right?
The kid will feel bad. The kid will feel like it's wrong for them to, and even if they're fighting for their own way, even if they're saying I want, they feel like it's wrong for saying what they want because it's gonna cause conflict in the family, right? Somewhere in their life, they've had an adult tell them that is selfish. If you're aware of and go for what you want, that's selfish. And so those voices come back to haunt us even as adults, right? So those voices come back and cycle through our heads and go, oh, if I go for what I want, that's gonna be selfish. I just wanted to take a moment to tell you about an exciting opportunity that we're doing in 2024. You know, the past decades, Sara and I have had the privilege and the joy of getting to coach so many parents in changing the way they discipline at home, moving away from fear-based approaches. And over those years, we've gotten a lot of calls from fathers, dads who are like, man, I wanna make the change too, but I'm really struggling with the not yelling, the anger.
It's just, man, the reactions are so hard to change. And so in 2024, I thought it would be great. I really wanted to invite fathers who are wanting to change those dynamics to do some one-on-one coaching with me. So if you're interested in that, or if you know a dad who you think would be interested in that, I'd love for you to reach out to me at kylewester at parentinglegacy.com.
That's kylewester at parentinglegacy.com. And I'd love to set up a time to talk with you to see if you would be a good fit for the program, okay? So if you're interested, reach out, have any questions, reach out and look forward to talking with you soon. Okay, so what we're saying though, it's important for kids not to be selfish in this way that we've just defined, right? But it's important for kids to know who they are. I think everyone in this listening podcast would agree with this.
We want kids to know who they are. We wanna know what they're passionate about. We wanna know what really brings them alive, right? We want them to know what they need in a given situation, right? And to be able to advocate for themselves in that moment. Right. Would you agree? 100%. Even if other people may not be happy about that. Right, because we're not gonna be able to keep everybody happy. And so we don't want our kids trying to live their life keeping everyone else happy. Yes. Yeah, totally.
But they can have awareness of the other, but also an awareness of themselves. It's not an either or pendulum swinging situation. And I hope the listeners hear that, that I know I was kind of nervous about bringing this subject because it's so nuanced, but I think it's so important. I don't wanna get into this dichotomous thing where we're raising kids either selfless or selfish. I think neither one is where we want our kids to be, right? Right. We don't want our kids always like my needs over your needs or your needs over my needs. We want kids though, who from the time they're little, Sara, that we've been able to teach them and guide them in their desires and what they're wanting. And I'm even thinking like, Sara, it starts, for us, a lot of the simple, what every parent could do is feeding, eating, right? Yeah. I mean, in one sense, let's say you're cooking a meal for the kids, it's a great meal, but one of the kids doesn't like it, right?
And then it becomes this whole, I'm not cooking, I don't wanna cook two or three meals, right? I want just to cook one. And so there's this thing where you're advocating for yourself and your time, which is great, but then you have a kid who's just not getting on board, right? And so that can look and feel very selfish. Why won't that little kid just suck it up, eat that food, so there's not this problem? Right. And so in that moment, we actually, what is it we'd want them to do healthier in that moment for that kid? Because the kid is saying, I'm looking at this food, I don't want it, it looks gross to me, I might vomit it if I eat it, and yet I'm gonna cause all this disruption, right? Right. So really in that kind of scenario, what we're wanting the kid to do is to be in touch with that, to know what they want and need, right? To be able to express it, but also be able to find a way where we can co-create a different ending to that eating moment, right?
It's not us demanding, I know when I was a kid, I'm sure maybe a lot of listeners can hear this, if I didn't eat what was cooked, I got spanked, you know? And some of that food, I have never eaten ever again, right?
Brussels sprouts, you know who you are. I've never eaten another Brussels sprout, maybe now I have, this is in my 40s, but I've never, for 30 years I didn't eat Brussels sprouts because I had to shove three down my mouth or I was gonna get spanked if I didn't get them done. And lots of times that's how food was done, it was really a win-lose, you know, for me, that's what I felt like, right? And I know sometimes in lots of families, it feels like a lose-win in a sense of the parent now has to like cater to five different types of eating, right?
So I think eating is a real common one, so a win-win would be what? What would a win-win look like when it comes to eating? Well, in that situation, and I think it starts at a very early age, and I just wanna throw out, it can be really hard because as a parent, you're sometimes in really stressful situations.
You have 50 things going on, you really do. You've got kids to get out the door or it's breakfast or whatever it might be. I wanna, I do wanna put out there that sometimes these scenarios, when we talk about them can sound very doable and then in the moment, there's so much emotion running high and it makes it really hard. And then we do have a lot of messages where our brains, it's a struggle to try to stay in the center because you do flip over to selfless. I've either gotta be selfless or they do, or I've gotta be selfish or they do. That pendulum swinging back and forth is like a constant struggle to try to bring balance within yourself first. And you're thinking, I've gotta bring balance in myself and then I'm trying to teach my child some balance. So it is that slowing down the moment as much as you can to help the child hold with you. You wanna join with them and say, what is it you're wanting and needing?
What is it I'm wanting and needing? Let's make sure we're both aware of that and communicating that. Because I want that inner voice in my child, I don't want that, I don't want my kid, some kids just think, no one's listening so I gotta make that voice even louder.
And then other kids will- That's me. Yeah, and then other kids like me will just go, okay, fine, there is no me.
Don't listen to that voice. And you lose touch with what you even want. And people are like, you're so indecisive. I have no, I don't even know. I don't even know how to be aware of what I want. But even with, like I hear what you're saying, but even with me listening to that voice, then I felt very selfish.
Right, it was a judgment. I felt very bad, that's right. There was a judgment on it. Yeah, like I'm gonna make mom and dad have to get what I want and they're gonna be mad about it. I hate that I do that, right? So I want you to hear that parent say, even that kid that is loud, like I didn't like that about me. And lots of the kids I see, they get mad.
Like, why am I like this? I wish I could just shut that voice down. Well, there's a judgment on both sides. So people may find one more convenient than the other, or they may think, well, I'd rather have this kid than that kid, or I'd rather be this person than that person, but we need to realize that both sides kind of hold a judgment there or, you know, where in the middle we can hold, I can hear your voice, you can hear my voice, and we can come together. Well, we can honor and value what each other wants and needs in this moment, right?
That's the truth. And that really, like you said, Sara, you started out in the beginning, hard for a lot of parents. I think a lot of parents, even among adult friends in marriage, it's hard to do this. It is. It seems like it's very, either you're being selfless.
I think it's a constant work. I don't think, we have not arrived at some beautiful place. I think it just is humanity, right? This is part of the process of being human to have this struggle and work through it and just be working and working and working. But that's why I really wanted to hit this topic, because I don't care what age your kids are at, you can start this today of switching this mindset of it doesn't have to be either or. It doesn't have to be either you're giving up what you want or you're demanding what you want, right? You really want, you know, we want kids who, yes, understand the impact of their decisions, right? That whatever choices they make, it has a ripple effect and it affects some of it. So we want our kids to make these decisions with a whole brain being used, like a full perspective where they're able to see it in a circumspect way, not just from their own narrow perspective or your own narrow perspective as a parent.
We want them to see it from both sides, right? Or all those different sides. And we want them to be able to be in touch with what they need and what they want and what they're passionate about. Because the real mix that the kids get into, the real is when they're young, it's like the parent's way seems to be more important in some cases, right?
Or the kid's way, right? And so then when they get older, then they're needing to become this independent human who now knows what they want and knows how to pursue it, right? And it's either they do it arrogantly and narcissistically and like, I don't care who I hurt.
I'm just going to go get what I want. Everything down for me. Yes. Because I got to, because I'm tired of people telling me what to do. Right. Or the other kid who's, I don't even know. I don't know who I am. I don't know.
Please guide me. Tell me what to do. And that's even, that's what I'm seeing more. Or they seem lazy and apathetic. They just have, because they, they kind of are, they're just kind of turned off to anything. And so I go, what's going on inside of them.
They don't know how to connect. I almost think that I think a lot of times, Sara, that's what the draw to social media and just being lost on the devices is, is for a little bit, it just makes that voice go away. You know, I remember even as a kid, Sara, I mean, this is popping into my head when we got a Nintendo and I remember playing a Nintendo for like eight hours in a day. And it would be so peaceful in a sense of like, I had purpose.
I knew exactly what I was supposed to do. Cause I was going to defeat Bowser or whatever the stupid thing was, or I was supposed to, I was playing final fantasy. And for eight hours, it felt like there was peace. That voice was gone. But then when I was done playing, I felt like crap.
And I felt like I'd been so lazy. I've been so selfish. I could see all the things around the house I hadn't done and heard my parents voice of like, why did you waste all that time? Right. And, and so that's where we really want to raise our kids to be able to listen to that voice and not try to mute it and not try to hear that voice is something that's helpful to listen to those desires inside them and actually be in tune with them. Right. From simple things like, um, like, like I guess foods are great. One of like, I don't like that food, but it's not going to kill me.
I can still eat it. Right. Like that to me is the balance with food. Right. Is like, I see that it's not my favorite, but I can still eat it. Yeah. You know? And so it's not like, well, it's not my favorite. So I'll never eat it. It's awesome. Like I'll just eat it and act like I like it. Yeah. It's, it's this, this, this combination of, I can be honest and say, Hey, this isn't my favorite thing, but I can still eat it.
Cause I, I feel like you spend a lot of time making it and I want to honor that. Right. Like I remember I was in Thailand, Sara, I ate some silkworms.
That was disgusting. I ate silkworms because in the village, that was an honor when they gave that to me and I wanted to honor that, but I didn't like it. You know? And so I hope you were sort of selfless in that moment. Yes. And I know you were saying that that's, we want our kids to know too, that, that being selfless has its own benefits. Right. Even, even in being, even as I ate the that wasn't a win lose. It was a win win. Like I learned something in this moment by doing that for them. Right. And I think everybody on here, I hope everybody listening is, I think that's your heart for your kid is we want to raise kids who know who they are.
They know how to advocate advocate for that because many of you have not done that. Many of you have pushed aside your own needs and wants and don't really even know what you want or don't know how to fight. So we want our kids to do that, but we also want to know sometimes you do it for the benefit of the other. Yeah. And, and, and the crazy circle is it actually benefits you when you do that. It raises your, actually people feel better about themselves when they do that. It has a lot of, a lot of benefits for you and for your child when you do that selfless act. Yeah. So you're wanting to hold both, but you don't want the kid who's walking through life, selfless and unaware of their internal world.
So how do you do it? Well, so I want to give you three, three that we wrote down, right. That I thought would be really good for the, for the, for the parents listening. Right. Three things you can start doing or right away to kind of help this more, get out of this dichotomous thinking and really kind of help the kid be able to approach life with less anxiety because they're able to know how to advocate for themselves. So number one is a first one. We want kids to know their desires and not view their desires as bad. We want them to learn to trust what they want, whether that is food, you know, sleep. You know, like I'm thinking, you know, like you want to teach them to listen to themselves. So one way that I think I do this a lot, but at times the kids in sixth grade, this is like a school kind of example, Sara, but lots of times with kids, they think they're getting good grades because their parents want that. Right. Right. You know, they, they think they have, they have to care about school.
They've actually never thought about what they want. They're just like, I know I need to get this because that's how I get praise. That's how I get, maybe some parents are paying for grades. You know, there's these reasons outside of themselves. Yeah. And even like it goes so far, Sara, where it's lots of times the kids aren't even picking their own classes. Like it's like the parents are picking them because the kids just like, yeah, I'll just do the classes they tell me to do, you know? So I want them at an early age, I mean, at least by sixth grade to be sitting down with the parents and having those conversations.
Like what is it you want to accomplish in school this year? What kind of grades do you want to get? Right. And you see like this conversation can sound very selfish. It sounds very like kids focused, you know, just like, but I'm wanting to them to build that muscle about them setting goals for who for themselves. Yeah. You see what I'm saying?
But that can sound very selfish. I want them to set goals for themselves. And then the parent can say, how can we help you do that? Right. Right. So, so this isn't a win lose. This is instead the kids choosing something for them that benefits them, you know, but of course it's going to benefit the family too, but I want them to focus on how it benefits them. Them getting those good grades is going to benefit them more than anybody else. You know, now inevitably, I mean, I'll have parents, Sara, who are, I mean, kids who are actually like trying to get scholarships because they've been told for a long time, how expensive college is going to be. And they're not even doing it for them.
They're doing it because they don't want their parents. And I love the kindness of that. Right. But there's also an imbalance in it. You know, the kid isn't doing it because how good it would feel to be able to say, I got that scholarship for me. Right. I didn't do so. Right. So I think number one is. Yeah. They go through a lot of places, their teachers, you know, the classrooms are full of what the teacher wants, what the coaches want, these goals and sports, you know, that it sort of involves them, but there's a system at play that they're really kind of living for and they're participating in.
So we do want to bring it back. We want to help them.
Yes, we know the system. Yeah. But what about you?
What's going on inside of you? We want to raise that internal awareness. Yeah. It's great. So number one is teach them to listen to themselves, teach them to listen to that voice, teach them to trust it, to trust that thing in them.
It isn't bad. It isn't bad. Right. Even if you can't always give into it, it's not like, well, you're going to listen and do everything.
But that brings me number two. Right. Right. Number two is create win win scenarios. OK, let's get out in our home. I think it's not to say it's always win win. Yeah. But I'd say we want to be ninety nine percent of the time. Yeah. Ninety percent. Ninety nine is pretty high.
Ninety percent of the time a win win. It is something we're aware of. We work towards and a lot of that happens because we discuss it. Yeah. Even as a two year old through all their lives, that is something I feel like came early on for us. And we've really worked at not giving a judgment to the fact that the child doesn't want to go to bed or wants that toy or, you know, it might be I want to play soccer and I know that's going to be inconvenient for you. We we try to talk about what everybody wants and needs. Yeah. Yeah. And hold all those things. Yes. Yeah. So what I want is important.
What my child wants is important. What sister wants is important. Yeah. We bring that all to light and ask. And I know when you're saying that, does that take time?
It does take it does. You know what it does? It creates better sibling relationships when you model this to the kids. Almost all sibling conflict is about win lose stuff. It's about I need to get my way over expensive years. You know, that's what creates, I think, 80 percent of the conflict among siblings. And so if you're able to model this and then they are then able to do that with each other to create win wins with each other, it's going to help with those to raise. This is really how you raise friends for life rather than, you know, kids who just get along at home until they leave the house and never spend time together. Right. And we'll say, you know, everybody's important and everybody's wants and needs are important. So we'll we'll we highlight that and bring that back to the table.
We value each person here and what they need. So the third one is teaching them about sacrifice and that sacrifice isn't just about giving up what you want for the benefit of others, but it's actually beneficial to them as well. So when you sacrifice like it actually increases, you know, their ability to better understand people, it increases their ability to be able to love and be loved.
You know, I'm even thinking as a parent, every parent knows this. I mean, how much you sacrifice. And I think initially, Sara, I thought being a dad was a win lose in a sense of it was a win for them when I was, you know, you and I were up late at night as they were, you know, having a hard time sleeping. And I felt like I was losing, you know, like I just want sleep and they're taking my sleep from me. Right. It wasn't maybe even until our third until Ellie came along and I'm sitting there holding her at night.
And I'm like, wait, this is a win win. Like as I'm holding this sweet little baby and I'm losing sleep, but I'm gaining so much more. I'm gaining this connection with my daughter. I'm really like this is how I know I love her is that I'm doing this. Yeah. And this is how she knows that she's loved is that I'm doing this. Right. So even in those moments, if you can kind of help, I know that might be a little more difficult, but I think you can model it to your kids, but invite them in that conversation that when you're seeking win wins, there are times where you look like it's a win lose because you're sacrificing maybe what you want and you're not fighting for that.
But it's really no, you're going to benefit from this. You know, it isn't you're just doing it so people don't get mad at you or isn't that you're I guess that's what you're not doing it.
You're not sacrificing. So you're not selfish. Right. You're sacrificing because you love that other person. Right. You're sacrificing for the better of the whole. Yeah. And I think you even just bring that to light after the child, let's say, does let their sibling play with a toy first when they both want it. You know, you can check in with them, like bring this to light.
How did that feel? How do you feel now? You know, and help them be aware of the benefits to them that it wasn't just that they gave up a toy. Yeah. But usually they're like, well, I'm kind of proud of myself. Yeah. And look how strong I am that I'm so patient. You know, so you want to bring that highlight, but not of, oh, that other kid's so bad. But you also want to it was you fought for what you wanted.
You wanted this thing and that's OK. And this other person sacrificed and look how great they feel because of that. Both both can be talked about and both have their place in life. And you want to do both. Yeah. I'm even thinking about Sara, like as a parent, lots of times you you maybe don't try as hard when you're playing a game. Right. Yeah. And the other kid wins.
So maybe you're playing basketball or you're playing ping pong or playing a board game. And I don't know about you, but sometimes I've held back a card that I could have played and could have demolished the kid. Right. And you did that. So it's cool to invite as the kids get older to invite them into that. Yeah. Winning feels good.
But so does watching somebody else win. Yeah. That feels really good, too. Like when your little sibling wins and they like, oh, it's so cool. Right. And there you sacrificed the joy of you winning. But at the end, you won because you got to see them do it. So I think as you start to invite the kid at an early age about how sacrifice could look and even sacrifice for you as a parent, I know you parents are listening. You're sacrificing a lot that is still a win win. Yeah. If you can frame it in the way it's a win win.
So I hope this conversation expands your ability to see this idea of selfish and selfless and maybe opens your eyes to being more aware of how you're framing it. That is every time the kids advocating for their needs. Is that selfish or is there a way we can honor what they're saying and honor what they're needing and honor what they're wanting? And we can make this a value in our family that everybody's wants and needs are equally honored and valued. Yeah. Yeah. So so if you please, we'd love for you to rate this podcast, put your comments. We'd love to hear your thoughts on what you think about this idea of selfish.
And we always love hearing from you. Come join us over on our different social media pages. We'd love to have you there. And that's another way we'll continue to increase this topic. And we hope you have a wonderful day.
Thanks for listening. The Art of Raising Humans podcast should not be considered or used as counseling, but for educational purposes only.