Episode 79

[Kyle]: In today's episode, we're going to talk about old school parenting. We're going to look at some of the old school approaches that are kind of awesome and want to keep doing them. So, I hope you-- I hope you learn a lot and maybe resonate with some of these old school approaches. 

[Kyle]: Hello, and welcome to episode 79 of The Art of Raising Humans. I’m Kyle.

[Sara]: And I’m Sara.

[Kyle]: And today we're gonna look at some old school parenting techniques.

[Sara]: Woohoo.

[Kyle]: Yes, you know? So, I thought, Sara, it is the middle of summer. It's hot.

[Sara]: Yeah.

[Kyle]: Thought we'd have a little fun on this one, you know?

[Sara]: Okay

[Kyle]: So, what I mean by fun is, typically, listeners, I write up a lot of the content and then Sara gets to look at it before we do it. But this time I'm not going to let her look at it, I'm just going to go through this article I saw. It was in Country Living magazine. You ever read that magazine?

[Sara]: Yeah. I mean, not physically, but I've seen articles, I’ve heard of it.

[Kyle]: You have? Okay. Yeah, I don't think I ever really look at that. But yeah, Country Living magazine in 2018. So, it's not too old, you know?

[Sara]: Okay

[Kyle]: It's about five years old, but there was an article on 30 old school parenting techniques that they think we still need for today.

[Sara]: Do we agree with them?

[Kyle]: Yeah. So, I thought it'd be interesting for the listeners to hear these 30. Would love to get your feedback, listeners, on any of these that you say “yes, that's really good”, because I found a lot of these were actually pretty helpful. So, I know we spent a lot of time-- It seems like when you have a new approach, it looks like we're just ripping down the old, you know?

[Sara]: yeah

[Kyle]: And that isn't what we're doing, right? I mean, we do feel like there's a lot of good that came from--

[Sara]: Yeah, you keep some and you get rid of some.

[Kyle]: Exactly.

[Sara]: You don't want to throw the baby out [Unintelligible]

[Kyle]: I think almost anything you change, it's a mistake throwing it all out, right?

[Sara]: Yes, yeah.

[Kyle]: That you really want to take what was good and healthy and you just want to grow more of that, right? Instead of just saying “oh, it was all bad”. I think anytime someone's saying it's all bad, you probably-- Your perspective is a little skewed, you know?

[Sara]: Right.

[Kyle]: And so, you really want to be able to take a moment, think about the good that came from some of those upbringing techniques and then build upon those. Because many of them, even if the technique was good, maybe the intent was a little misinformed and you just--

[Sara]: Or the intent was really good, but they just didn't know a different technique to use. They used the one that was, you know, thought of at the time.

[Kyle]: Yeah. So, we’d really love your feedback. I do want to say before we jump into that, that I got to do a speaking thing this past month, you know? Where I got to go speak at a corporation and talk to some managers and executives about how to build kind of a healthier kind of a culture within the business, using the skill of encouragement instead of praise and so, it was a really cool opportunity and that kind of wrapped up all the speaking we've done since January, you know? And in that time, Sara, you and I together-- I don't know, man. Like, we did 15? 17? Something like that. Different speaking opportunities and so, I'm just pointing that out because we got the fall coming up, and as people are listening to this in July, if you have someplace you want Sara and I to come speak, it could be a business, could be a school, could be a church, small group of parents. You know, feel free to reach out to us because we are very open to wanting to help more and more parents throughout the world, not just in Tulsa, Oklahoma, but throughout the world, be able to approach their little human beings in a healthier way.

[Sara]: Yeah, yeah, definitely.

[Kyle]: So, feel free to reach out to us. You can go to parentinglegacy.com, and you can reach out to us through there, but you can also leave comments when you see stuff on Facebook and Instagram and reach out to us that way. You could message us that way, and we'd love to get back with you and chat with you about that. So, what we're going to do, Sara, is I'm going to read these out one by one, and the listeners are going to hear them for the first time, and so are you. So, I thought we'd just have a little conversation to see how many of these 30 we are still going “yeah, it's a great idea”, right? And so, it may surprise you about-- You know, kind of when I say to you also-- Kind of what your concept of this idea is. Got it?

[Sara]: All right.

[Kyle]: So, number one, the number one old school idea, at least according to Country Living magazine, is “be consistent”.

[Sara]: Okay.

[Kyle]: What do you think about that?

[Sara]: That's a winner. Yes, “be consistent”.

[Kyle]: Yeah. What does it mean to you?

[Sara]: To me, that means how I'm interacting with my child or what I'm wanting and asking. I don't change that every day or frequently. I consistently show up a certain way. You know, my goal-- Not that I always hit this. My goal is to show up and be loving, to be caring, to have boundaries, you know? And supportive and calm, all those kinds of things. But then also, I'm consistent in what I ask from them, you know?

[Kyle]: Yeah, yeah.

[Sara]: Even little things like bedtimes and meal times and you know, not that sometimes something will happen, but in general, I want things consistent and kind of predictable for them.

[Kyle]: Yeah. No, I love that.

[Sara]: To create that security.

[Kyle]: Well, when I saw this, I thought “do they think a new school approach is be inconsistent? That seems to be not good for kids”. So, no, I'm with you. I think being consistent, we're huge on. That's really big. I think we-- I want my kids to know what they can expect every time, you know?

[Sara]: Yeah

[Kyle]: I think a lot of problems when I'm helping kids is they find their parents can be unpredictable, and that causes anxiety. So, therefore, they think “do I tell them the truth this time? Because last time they seem to be--”

[Sara]: “Which parent am I gonna get?”.

[Kyle]: “Yeah, they seem to, but now-- They seem today to be pretty mad. So, I don't know if telling them--”. So, it seems like there's things that parents will say. I hear a lot. Parents will say “just tell us. We want you to be open and honest with us” and then the kid like “I tried that last week and it blew up in my face”. So, they'll even say like, “they don't really seem to be consistent on that”. Okay, so number one, we're in agreement with, “be consistent”. Number two, “eat together”.

[Sara]: Yeah, they've really done studies on this and there's great outcomes. I won't go into all of that, but there's great outcomes for what happens with relationships and children even going outside of the home, their grades, all that kind of stuff. Having a meal together, certain things will disrupt that practice and stuff like that. But as much as you can, you'd like a meal every day together, where you-- Phones down, talking, interacting, eating together at a meal time.

[Kyle]: Yes, yeah. So rare these days, right? But so important, you know?

[Sara]: Yeah, there's a lot taking us away from it.

[Kyle]: It is. It's a lot of distractions. But I know we did it as kids. Did you guys do it?

[Sara]: Oh, yeah. We did.

[Kyle]: Yeah, we ate together. I definitely loved breakfast together. Breakfast was my favorite. It's probably why even today I love breakfast together. So, “eating together”, we agree with that's important, right?

[Kyle]: Number three, “let kids fail”.

[Sara]: Yeah, actually, I was just working on something with that. But yeah, kids need to fail because we-- There's this little helicopter parenting that everyone's probably heard about. You want to save your kid from failure, but actually failure-- I want to say failure/mistakes are invaluable because now the stakes are low, you know? Even if it's your two-year-old trying to put a puzzle together and they're struggling and struggling, “I can't find where the pieces go”, you know? And you can come along and support, but you want to let your kid fail even in their grades or something. If you didn't turn in your assignments, you get a bad grade, but that's better.

[Kyle]: Yes

[Sara]: You want them to learn that now because later the stakes are much higher.

[Kyle]: Yeah, yeah. You want them not to fear failing.

[Sara]: Yeah, because then--

[Kyle]: Failing is not fatal, right?

[Sara]: “Oh, yeah, I should have turned in that assignment” and if they just see you as partnering with them, you're not coming like “yeah, I told you, you should’ve turn in that assignment”, but you know, you're coming with them where they can say “I messed that up”. That's awesome! Later when they're in relationships or working, they still come to you and go “I mess this up”.

[Kyle]: Yeah. There's even one thing I encourage parents to do is, at the dinner table when they are eating together, like number two, is actually talk about how they failed that day, you know? What mistakes they made. Making mistakes and failing at things isn't the end of the world, it's ways in which we learn and grow. Now, I would add in this magazine, the picture here was a kid in a dunce cap sitting in the corner of a classroom. So, I don't know if we agree with that failure. But letting kids fail is important.

[Sara]: That's actually not failure.

[Kyle]: I know, I know.

[Sara]: To me, that's a punishment. That’s a totally different topic.

[Kyle]: I thought it was a weird picture. Okay. Number four, “send them outside to play”.

[Sara]: I cannot tell you the number of hours I spent outside as a child.

[Kyle]: Yeah, me too, me too. Yes.

[Sara]: My grandma, my mom, were like “get outside” and we spent lots of time outside.

[Kyle]: You did grow up in Michigan, so the weather was better. So, in Oklahoma we did go outside to play, but it was super hot.

[Sara]: I was outside in the heat sometimes in Oklahoma; there’s a little window there.

[Kyle]: Sure, yeah, yeah. That’s true, yeah.

[Sara]: And it was 1000 degrees outside. I actually remember mom saying “you guys need to come in, it’s too much”.

[Kyle]: Yeah.

[Sara]: But no. I mean, the outdoors, again, you look up studies, people. There's so much about the benefits to our brain, our grounding, our sense of feeling safe and calm. There's all kinds of great things that happen. Creativity. That nature we're just made for, you know? We're just made to be in it and I would say kids, our kids aren't outside as much-- You know, enough.

[Kyle]: Not near as much as you. I know.

[Sara]: But I feel like it's hard.

[Kyle]: Yeah. Well, it was also different, Sara.

[Sara]: It is. It is.

[Kyle]: My parents would send me outside to play and we would go in the storm drains and we would be in the storm drains for probably like 2 hours popping up out of manholes in people's backyard. So, there was a little different back then, but I still think there could be a healthy balance.

[Sara]: There can. You can go on hikes, you can go to the park, you can-- You know, we-- Maybe you have a big backyard and some land we don't, you know?

[Kyle]: Yeah

[Sara]: Not everyone does. Some people are in apartments and definitely don't have that. But there are ways to get outside more.

[Kyle]: I think in the old school way, though, sometimes sending you out to play, it was like “get out of my hair. I'm so sick of you being in the house. Get out of here! I got other things to do!”.

[Sara]: “I’m just gonna cross my fingers, everything goes well”.

[Kyle]: Exactly, yes. Okay, number five, they worded it this way, but [Unintelligible] “establish house rules”.

[Sara]: Okay, yes, I would reword that. Yeah, but I would definitely have some sort of “this is how we live”, you know?

[Kyle]: Yeah, some expectations.

[Sara]: Yeah. How we talk to each other, how we care for our home, you know? We do the dishes, we don't let rats and roaches, you know? So, I would have some things like that that would be part of my house.

[Kyle]: Almost like, what am I thinking of? It's like a business-- Not a motto, but not a vision, but we’d have a--

[Sara]: I know, [Unintelligible] a word.

[Kyle]: Like, you would come up with that. So, what you're saying is you would reword it because establishing house rules, you can get the intent behind it, but it does kind of talk about this “well, if you break the rules, then somehow you’re--”. Yeah.

[Sara]: Right. Is just that rules is used in the world or out there in a lots of ways that--

[Kyle]: Mission statement. It's almost like you're creating a mission statement for your family. “This is who we are as a family”, you know? And so, you're kind of given a picture of these house boundaries or expectations. “These are the human beings we want to be in this home”, right? “We treat each other this way”.

[Sara]: Rules it's too weighty. There's too much to it. So, I just wouldn't use it because of that.

[Kyle]: Yeah, there's too much baggage there.

[Sara]: [Unintelligible]

[Kyle]: Because it's almost like “if you don't do those rules, then you're in trouble now”. Yeah. So, okay, number six, “saying ‘because I'm the parent’ is okay sometimes”. “Saying ‘because’ I'm the parent is okay sometimes”.

[Sara]: I wouldn't say that. I'm not saying it could never be okay because I just don't think it's black and white like that.

[Kyle]: There's times we want to say it. We're like “just do it because I'm the parent! I'm tired of explaining why to do it. Just do it”, right?

[Sara]: Yeah, yeah. You definitely feel it. “This is important. I just need you to do it”. But I would kind of feel like if it comes to that point, I can need to go back to relationship with my child, you know? I should be able to say “get out of the road!” and they do it because of our relationship. Like, “I trust this lady. If she tells me to get out of the road, it must be important” versus--

[Kyle]: So, what you’re saying because you value what I say, [Unintelligible], right?

[Sara]: Yeah, because you have a good relationship.

[Kyle]: And I think that's probably what they're saying, maybe. But in the old school way, it's more of this “I'm the parent, so therefore, no matter, in this moment I just want to do--”.

[Sara]: Because of the authority, and I really hesitate saying there should ever be this just, “once in a while the authority just tells you to do it, and you've got to do it”.

[Kyle]: Yeah, “without thinking. Be mindless, don't think at all”. Sure.

[Sara]: You just have to do it and I'd say “oh, no, I really don't want my kids to ever feel like they just have to, I actually want them to think it through it”.

[Kyle]: Yeah, I want them to stop and think because you don't want them to be impulsive kids who are just doing whatever they're told constantly. You want them to stop and think about it.

[Sara]: And I would assume that won't be an issue, because if I have a relationship with them, I wouldn't feel that.

[Kyle]: That there'll be trust there, okay? Number seven, “take away privileges”. How do you feel about that one?

[Sara]: Okay, actually. How is that old school? I feel like everyone's doing that nowadays.

[Kyle]: I know, but I think they're doing that because it was old school. You know, it was. “You're getting grounded. We're taking away stuff”. Yeah.

[Sara]: Okay, okay, and the things we still-- Yeah.

[Kyle]: Exactly.

[Sara]: Man, again, I can't say there would never be an occasion. I mean, a safety issue, something like that. You know, if I had a kid who was just walking into the pool, I would take away the privilege to be in the backyard.

[Kyle]: Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah.

[Sara]: Something like that. I mean, that’s a silly example, but--

[Kyle]: I would say once again, though, it's an intent. Like, right there, you just said there it's an intent to help, right?

[Sara]: Yes, yeah.

[Kyle]: It's an intent to keep you safe. It's not an intent to control. It's not an intent to like, dominate and kind of force my will on you.

[Sara]: They would just be “you're not quite ready for this. So, let's just back it up a bit”.

[Kyle]: Yeah, yeah.

[Sara]: If they were doing dangerous things on their phone, talking to people, connecting in ways that I thought were harmful to my child, then the privilege of your phone would be kind of-- We would have to scale that back a bit because it's my job to keep you safe.

[Kyle]: But once again, we want to frame in regards to boundaries. I'm trying to set some healthy boundaries for you to make sure you're safe and that you're put in the best position to be successful, right? And if we're giving you this privilege and it's being used in a way that's hurting you, right? It's no different than if they were cutting themselves or something like that, doing something harmful. You wouldn't want anything sharp in that room to be available to them, right?

[Sara]: Right.

[Kyle]: So, in the same way, if they're using the phone or any device and it's hurting them, then you'd want to remove that, but it is taking away privileges. But, you know, in this old school way, it's like “you've been bad, so you lose that privilege”, right?

[Sara]: Yeah. Even a little kid who's, let's say, they're throwing a wooden block at their sibling. You know, I would do a lot of things before, but ultimately, if I needed to remove the wooden block because it's a danger and apparently, you know, then I would. But there'd be a lot of things I would do before I got to that.

[Kyle]: Okay. So, number eight is “let kids be bored”.

[Sara]: Yes.

[Kyle]: You like that idea? That's a good one, right?

[Sara]: Yeah.

[Kyle]: A lot of studies show being bored leads to creativity, imagination. Yeah.

[Sara]: Yeah, they access parts of their brain and--

[Kyle]: And I'd say that's something we've really missed, is parents that think “don't let their kids be bored”. You see kids a lot of times, just even in grocery stores, having to have devices constantly. So, I really think that is a problem. So, I almost want to highlight that one and say that's a great idea, you know? That goes back to telling your kids to go outside and play.

[Sara]: I feel like is swinging background. I feel like I see more and more stuff saying “let your kids be bored. You know, turn off devices”. Even all the toys that we get, we kind of over buy toys, at least here. I don't know how it is in other countries, but there's a lot of kids with a lot of toys and I even feel like sometimes I think “why do my kids have these toys?”.

[Kyle]: I know. Yeah, yeah.

[Sara]: “You know, I had like a tenth of what they had”.

[Kyle]: Yes.

[Sara]: And they really don't, because they've seen that it's too much for the child's brain and it entertains too much of their brain, and they lose this access to creativity and all that stuff that happens when you're bored.

[Kyle]: Well, also, kids just are afraid to be bored.

[Sara]: Yeah

[Kyle]: It scares them. It's one of the most feared feelings. For kids, it's so uncomfortable.

[Sara]: They haven’t-- We used to have to-- I mean, we're old enough. If we sat in a waiting room, you literally just sat there, or we would be left in the car.

[Kyle]: Yeah, yeah.

[Sara]: My mom would go in grocery shopping back then. This was a long time ago, people. Nowadays, you cannot do this. We were older also, but still, you'd have to just sit somewhere while your parent ran in to talk to someone or took care of business, and you'd just be sitting there.

[Kyle]: Well, that's funny you say that, because number ten is “carve out grown up time”. So, what do you think when they say that “carve out grown up time”?

[Sara]: I would say that's time to be a grown up and be with other grownups.

[Kyle]: Yeah, and so, like specialized time.

[Sara]: To always have your children around.

[Kyle]: Yeah, and so, when I saw that at first, and the picture is, I think, of a couple sitting at a couch, right? So, I think that's healthy, right? To have time where-- Because you and I talk a lot about--

[Sara]: Where you connect.

[Kyle]: Yeah. You and I talk a lot about us connecting and talking about the day, and it really is what keeps a marriage strong. Now, it doesn't have to be this all the time. At times, it can be kind of a rigid thing. Like, “this is our time”. But you don't want it to be a power struggle where like “get away! Go away! We got to have grown up time!” and I think the inference here is it kind of was that, “leave us alone. This is grown up time. Don't ever come in our bedroom and bother us. This is grown up time”, you know? And so, instead of having more flexibility with that, but also being intentional about it, that you and I know we need time to talk together separate from-- Because there are times where we get frustrated when the kids keep jumping in and we're trying to talk to each other, you know?

[Sara]: Right, right. Where we do say “hey, guys… Give us some time”. But they also know if there's an emergency, something really big come up, definitely come to us. Just don't come to us with “can I have goldfish?”. You know, that can wait a few minutes.

[Kyle]: Yeah, yeah. Let's do this. We're up to number ten. We got 30.

[Sara]: Oh, man. Faster! Faster!

[Kyle]: It’s okay. It’s okay. So, I would hit these, the ones you really want to highlight, okay? “Establish a regular bedtime”.

[Sara]: Definitely. It's for their health. It's for that connection time, all of that. It’s really great.

[Kyle]: 100%. “Refuse to be a short order cook”.

[Sara]: Oh, yeah. I've fallen into that, sorry to say.

[Kyle]: I thought you'd like that one.

[Sara]: Yeah. In my attempt to be flexible, my children give them choices. There have been times where I'm like “okay, you want your eggs this way and your eggs this way”. Yeah.

[Kyle]: Yeah. That's a whole podcast.

[Sara]: It is. It is. [Unintelligible]

[Kyle]: I know. I can tell it's triggering you. Okay. Number twelve, “don't let kids speak disrespectfully to you or anyone else”.

[Sara]: Okay. Don’t let?

[Kyle]: I know. I know. You can hear the control in it, right?

[Sara]: Yeah

[Kyle]: You can hear like-- Instead of, what you and I would say is “teach kids to respect themselves, and then in that respect, they will be respectful to others”.

[Sara]: And I had better always be talking respectfully to them.

[Kyle]: Yes, I need a model--

[Sara]: I don't want them to yell at me. Don't yell at them. If I want them to speak kindly to me, speak kindly to them.

[Kyle]: Yeah. So, I'd like that. Don't let ourselves speak disrespectfully to them or anyone else. If we don't, then I don't think they will.

[Sara]: Right.

[Kyle]: You know, if we're always them into respectful dialogue, I think that's just how we're going to talk, right?

[Sara]: Yeah.

[Kyle]: Okay. So, number 13, “insist on good manners”.

[Sara]: I don't know about insist, but let's model manners and--

[Kyle]: Teach them.

[Sara]: Teach manners and practice manners. Sure.

[Kyle]: Yeah, yeah. I think they're important. I think they're important.

[Sara]: Yeah. Do I want them just chewing with their mouth open, feet on the table? You know, sloppy? No.

[Kyle]: But I remember some people being super picky about no elbows on the table and as a kid, I was like “oh, my gosh. Like, this is--". Like, I think is “we're not burping at the table”.

[Sara]: But I would say within context, so you could have a night where “okay, we're going to act like we're at a fancy restaurant”.

[Kyle]: Yes, exactly. That’s good. Yeah.

[Sara]: You know, and just teach them so they can go into spaces and know how to act in that space.

[Kyle]: 14, “assign every family member chores”.

[Sara]: I think it's great to have everyone contribute. There's lots of evidence, again, about how it raises self-confidence and your self-esteem, and you're contributing. Make it age appropriate.

[Kyle]: Yeah, I agree and we just switched that term from chores to like, responsibilities and such.

[Sara]: Yeah

[Kyle]: Number 15, “set a good example”.

[Sara]: Okay, okay. I didn't know that was old school.

[Kyle]: Are you for that one?

[Sara]: I'm for that one. You don't ask them [Unintelligible], you’re not modeling.

[Kyle]: So, easy. Easy. Yeah. Number 16, “don't let them interrupt when adults are talking”.

[Sara]: What if it's important?

[Kyle]: I know.

[Sara]: Okay. So, I would say “don't interrupt anyone”.

[Kyle]: Yes.

[Sara]: But if it's important, interrupt. Come to me!

[Kyle]: Well, I think the same way you-- The same way you and I wouldn't interrupt somebody when they're talking.

[Sara]: Right.

[Kyle]: You know, unless it was important.

[Sara]: “Hey, the kitchen's on fire”.

[Kyle]: “Don't want to interrupt! I was told not to”. Yeah. So, we just teach the kid how to interrupt.

[Sara]: Yes

[Kyle]: Teach the kid when's the time and how to do it, right? Then they know. Number 17, “be a parent, not a friend”.

[Sara]: Okay. Again, to me, there's a whole lot of background to that, which we can't get into, but I would say in general, the idea is “remember, you are the parent, so act like it. Don't slide into being a friend”. But as your kids get older, you're switching, you're coming alongside them, and it's going to look very different. So, I feel like that's a whole bigger conversation.

[Kyle]: I do. But I also think you can be both. You can be a friendly parent.

[Sara]: Yeah.

[Kyle]: So, just be a friendly parent.

[Sara]: Yeah. You can have fun and play with your child and still keep them safe and teach them skills and do all the parenting stuff.

[Kyle]: Yeah. Because I think you’re teaching them how to be a friend by being one to them too, but you're also the parent, okay?

[Sara]: It’s not an either/or.

[Kyle]: It's not. 18 is “cook and bake together”.

[Sara]: Yeah! It’s awesome!

[Kyle]: Fun

[Sara]: Teaching them skills, relationship building. Perfect.

[Kyle]: I like number 19, “tell your family story”. “Tell your family story”. I think that's a cool one.

[Sara]: Yeah. There's something that even in our DNA, there's these roots, and they're learning more about that with epigenetics and stuff like that. It's really cool and so, yeah, knowing your family story and also just integrating that helps them understand how we are.

[Kyle]: I agree. That’s really cool. I've heard a lot of people lately telling their story about-- And how much it's moved the kids, because the kids didn't know the story of what they grew up like and how-- So, I think it's cool to invite kids into that. Number 20, “create traditions”.

[Sara]: Yes.

[Kyle]: Easy, right? That's important. Yeah, create traditions.

[Sara]: So great.

[Kyle]: It keeps families together when you have those traditions.

[Sara]: It does.

[Kyle]: Number 21, “let them spend time with their grandparents”. I don't know why that's there.

[Sara]: That's old school!?

[Kyle]: I guess.

[Sara]: I mean, nobody does that now.

[Kyle]: Let them spend time--

[Sara]: Nobody does that nowadays.

[Kyle]: Now it’s like “do not spend time with your grandparents!”.

[Sara]: That’s an old school thing to do.

[Kyle]: Maybe a grandparent wrote this.

[Sara]: Maybe. “I never see my grandchildren!”.

[Kyle]: If the grandparents are safe and loving people, let your kids spend time with them. Of course!

[Sara]: You know what? If you don't like some of their techniques, not that they're dangerous-- Danger? No, you don't need that. But assuming they're safe people and they just have some techniques you don't really like, then just be there too.

[Kyle]: Yeah, yeah, that's good. Number 22, “stand by this quote ‘you don't get everything you want’”. Stand by that.

[Sara]: Stand by it!

[Kyle]: Stand by “you don't get everything you want”. It says, “you don't get everything you want” rule. So, I mean, I would say when I saw that, I agree with that, you don't get everything

[Sara]: You don't, but I don't think you-- I mean, that just happened. Sorry

[Kyle]: Yeah, but I think it goes back to teaching your kids the world doesn't revolve around them. I think those are important, healthy things and actually, it's good. When a kid thinks they can get everything they want, then what they want controls them and they don't ever learn how to have self-control.

[Sara]: Yeah, you are free from your wants and your desires.

[Kyle]: Yes, yeah. So, not getting everything you want is good. It's helpful to you, right? But it's not like you don't get it and it's not me against you. It's me helping you.

[Sara]: It's actually coming along. “Oh, yeah, I can't have that today. That's sad. It's hard to really want something and not get it”, and they learn it.

[Kyle]: Number 23, “get everyone dressed up for special occasions”.

[Sara]: What? Okay.

[Kyle]: Do you like--? I mean, I think it's fun to get dressed up for family pictures.

[Sara]: Yeah, I’m surprised that made the-- Was that old school?

[Kyle]: I don’t know. Maybe they just wanted to get 30.

[Sara]: We’re just sloppy, we--

[Kyle]: I think it’s because they think when people go to church now, they're not dressed up at all.

[Sara]: I mean, I don't know. I still go to weddings and people are dressed up. I go to--

[Kyle]: We’re all too casual now.

[Sara]: Yeah.

[Kyle]: Okay. Number 24, “never forget you are in charge”. I know, you can tell there's a real authoritarian kind of--

[Sara]: Yeah, yeah.

[Kyle]: I mean, I think what they're trying-- What could be taken from that is, it is important for parents to know “you're the parent, and the kid actually needs you to be that”.

[Sara]: But I wouldn't say “you're in charge”. I'd say “you're responsible”.

[Kyle]: Yeah, because the kid is actually in charge of themselves. You are there to help them be in charge of themselves, right?

[Sara]: You have a huge-- You know, you have a lot you need to show up and do--

[Kyle]: But there’s a lot of times when I look-- When other people thought they were in charge of me and it was good to look to my parents, my parents were like “no, no, no, I'm in charge of him, not you”., you know? So, parents were able to help with that, and I always felt comfort that I knew they were in charge, and they would then help me--

[Sara]: With school teachers or other-- yeah.

[Kyle]: Yeah, they would come alongside and help me when people were trying to be in charge of me, right? Number 25, “trust your instincts”.

[Sara]: I'd say we do too much of looking to other authorities and saying “well, I mean, I feel like I really should go to my child right now or something, but they said don't, so I won't”.

[Kyle]: Yeah

[Sara]: So, I think we do have this gut instinct, and we need to listen to that. We also need to be aware, though, where if we have trauma, if we have tough relationships in our history, we all have stuff. So, I'd say “yes”, and you need to be aware of your stuff, and go to a counselor, talk to people. Make sure your stuff isn't clouding it. But I would say you definitely should listen to that voice inside and if anything, go tell someone. “I'm hearing this, but I'm torn on it because I also feel this”. Go talk to someone about it.

[Kyle]: I also thought of all the parents I see who for a long time wanted to stop spanking or wanted to-- Something in them said “I just didn't feel right. I didn't like doing it” and they just didn't trust it because they thought they were going to be judged or told it was bad.

[Sara]: “I'm supposed to do this. I've gotta--”.

[Kyle]: Yeah. So, number 26, “remind your kids not to spread germs”.

[Sara]: Okay.

[Kyle]: That's a great idea.

[Sara]: Yeah. I didn't know we were not doing that anymore, but yeah; you know?

[Kyle]: I know, I know.

[Sara]: Cough into your elbow.

[Kyle]: Yes, do that.

[Sara]: Wash your hands. Don't spit.

[Kyle]: Number 27, “instill a respect for elders and everyone else”. It seems like there's two talking about respect. It’s like “don't be disrespectful” and “respect them”. So, yes, we agree being respectful is important, but it always starts with you modeling respect towards them first and then inviting them into being respectful.

[Sara]: Iyes. t's almost like “what do you mean by respect? Because I’m not sure we--". But definitely, I'm going to respect the children. I want children to respect me. But in general, I want all humans to respect other humans.

[Kyle]: I know, you--

[Sara]: To treat them with kindness and dignity.

[Kyle]: You know, inferred in here is “never talk back to them. Never think for yourself”.

[Sara]: Yeah, it’s almost like “I’m not sure we have the same definition here”.

[Kyle]: Number 28, “show kids how to help people”. Love it. It’s good.

[Sara]: Yeah.

[Kyle]: Show kids how to help people.

[Sara]: Again, model it, you know? Go help people and then invite your kids to join you in helping other people. That's great. We need more helpful people.

[Kyle]: I think you’ll like 29, “schedule downtime”. It’s good, right? That goes back to playing outside. That goes back to being bored.

[Sara]: We're a busy, busy world.

[Kyle]: Yeah. Especially the summer. Parents are listening to “schedule some downtime”.

[Sara]: Yeah. You always think “oh, we need to plan this activity and that activity and that activity and sit home”. It's amazing to see what kids will come up with before they invite you into their games and they invite you into stuff, and you don't always have to plan to go fill your calendar up.

[Kyle]: Yeah, and number 30, I like. I may not like how it's worded, but I think you'll agree with it. “Make sure kids clean up after themselves”.

[Sara]: Okay.

[Kyle]: I like that.

[Sara]: yeah, it's a skill, right? You make a mess…

[Kyle]: I know.

[Sara]: You clean it up.

[Kyle]: It surprises me, Sara, how many times will make a mess.

[Sara]: I actually feel like maybe that is old school. I remember kids will play in our backyard, and then I go out there and I'm-- It’s not even there's a bunch of wrappers and things. Not even snacks I gave them. They came with snacks; they left their trash.

[Kyle]: Well, you know, you weren't in Scouts, but I was in Scouts, and we were always taught, it was drilled into our brain, “leave the place better than you found it”. So, I want our kids to do the same thing. If you've been there, not only clean up your stuff, but if there's other stuff that needs to be cleaned, grab that too, you know? Let's pick up the trash outside. Let's get the litter out of the--

[Sara]: Yeah, just take care of your space.

[Kyle]: Yeah. So, the only wording I don't like is “make sure”. I would just say “teach the kids how to clean up after themselves”, right?

[Sara]: Yeah.

[Kyle]: And I think kids will-- I almost can't help it. I can't go into a room that I've messed up and just walk away.

[Sara]: Yeah. When you're done eating, take your dishes to the sink, rinse them off. You know, whatever they're age appropriate, whatever they're able to do, they can do it and it feels good.

[Kyle]: Yeah, but you see how this 30, I think we liked about 22 of them, 23, right?

[Sara]: We did, we liked a lot. Little tweaks.

[Kyle]: Yeah, a little tweak. Yeah, yeah. So, I wanted to point this out because we're not here saying old school stuff's all bad, right? There's a lot of really great things we were given, a lot of great values in these kinds of things, a lot of great things.

[Sara]: And I'm really grateful. Those things helped me a lot in life, and I credit my parents, my grandparents giving me those skills.

[Kyle]: Yeah. So, I hope the listeners really enjoyed those 30 and I would love to hear if you've got feedback on the ones you enjoyed the most or the ones you're like “yes, I really resonate” or “we need more of that in our society”. I hope this was just kind of more of a light hearted summer one, where you could just listen to it and kind of have your reactions to it, or maybe you'd add a few other ones that you think are good too, that these 30 are missing, you know? So, we'd love to get your feedback on that and just appreciate you listening and we really hope you're not dying of heat for the summer and that you're having a lot of great times and making a lot of great memories with your kids and so, we appreciate you listening. Please share this with your friends and so, you guys can have a great conversation about this as well.